Life and Love
"Life is the flower for which love is the honey”
- Victor Hugo
Love comes in many forms and many ways. And it is an infinite emotion: you cannot make yourself stop loving.
We have all experienced love in some form, from parents, siblings, friends and, one could argue, even our pets. How we love back varies with whom we are engaging, and the circumstances in which we find ourselves. How love is expressed is not always evident, however, and, of course, it can be misused. It also takes many forms.
Romantic love, for example, can be experienced as an intensely overwhelming feeling unlike anything else:
'All afternoon, doing every little chore,
The thought of you stays bright.
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left,
Not going right’- Stephen Sondheim, Follies
Love generates a variety of partnerships, in marriage or as a romantic, sexual, or platonic partnership. Establishing, developing and maintaining a partnership cannot be a one-sided affair: there will be times for forgiveness, humility, care and compassion, for speaking truths and for staying silent. And it is not always possible to know what is the right approach to take.
While we have individual weaknesses and strengths, love offers us a way to offset the one and enhance the other:
There is strength in union. Sticks in a bundle can’t be broken but sticks taken singly can be easily broken. The same applies to people.
- Aesop, The Fable of the Bundle of Sticks
Love offers the opportunity to share our strengths and weakness: to support another when we can, to be supported by them when we can’t. And allowing yourself to be supported is as important as supporting others. Ego, pride, a sense of wanting to be seen to be strong, whether at home or work, can all mitigate against our reaching fulfilment.
‘Just because I have a bright idea, doesn’t mean it’s a bright idea’
- Dominic d’Angelo
The appropriate sharing of strengths and weaknesses is a sign of our humanity (and the appropriateness of what we share and with whom is important).
With an accepted life-partner, whatever form that relationship takes, demonstrate love and gratitude, open acknowledgement of what they bring to the relationship. One of the most common stated failings in a relationship is “They never said ‘I love you’”.
There are those who seek to practise one act of kindness a day, more if the opportunity arises. That act need not be known or open or even apparent: a cup of coffee for a work colleague, remembering and acknowledging an anniversary, a needed gift, a listening ear, holding a door open for someone, offering to help, going one step further than is needed. Small things that can help build a foundation, expand a relationship, or just hold it together in times of stress.
The most challenging times can be the greatest learning times.
- Nishant R
‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ is one well-known saying (‘Familiarity breeds’, says the comedian). Rather, it can give rise to a lack of empathy, of continuing recognition of the other person’s value and what they bring to the relationship. In marriage, for example, it can give rise to a tendency to stray, to look for a relationship that is exciting, thrilling, or just plain different. At work, it can give rise to negative comments about a colleague’s abilities or personal qualities.
When negative thoughts arise, it is important to stop and think. Am I being compassionate and patient in the face of challenges I am facing or those that facing others? When was the last time I expressed appreciation for what the other brings to the relationship, at home, at work or at play?
Post-Covid, and especially for those who now work more at home than they used to, much of the world has seen a dramatic increase in the numbers of people leaving one job for another, or ceasing to work altogether. Many remain unaffected, of course. But of the ten reasons most often given for an employee leaving a job, three are about how people feel about the workplace and their colleagues, and are nothing to do with salary or demands of the job:
Feeling underappreciated, where a person’s contributions are overlooked, where praise or recognition is too rarely offered, leading to lower job satisfaction and even lower self-worth.
Lack of feedback: linked to the above, never hearing how well they are working, or even being offered support when a task is challenging. And not being given an opportunity for their own voices to be heard.
A negative culture, with those in charge demanding a level of performance or commitment far beyond what was stated as the requirement or is being offered in terms of reward, often linked to workplace bullying, clique-ish behaviour, especially towards juniors or minorities.
The first two, of course, arise in individual relationships, especially in longstanding ones. What does your partner like? Try offering that.
But don’t expect an immediate return on your emotional investment: love, gratitude, forgiveness must be given unconditionally. And you cannot forecast what the return will be.
At a minimum, consider meditating on gratitude for the positive aspects of what your partner or colleagues bring to your life.
Love has nothing to do with what you expect to get, only with what you expecting to give - which is everything.